I Tried a Vagina Alarm Clock, and Now My Snooze Button Induces Orgasms

I have fallen asleep with sex toys inside of me more times than I would like to admit. Granted, I always wake at some point and uncork myself, but each occurrence begs the question: What are our sex toys doing for our wet dreams? If the NYPD gets ‘robot cops’ and NASA can drop $10 quintillion on a metal asteroid, is it that far-fetched to ask for a vibrator that caters to my cooch’s needs when I’m still in my REM cycle? 

Keeping a favorite dildo on my nightstand is a nice solution, but reaching for it will inevitably pull me out of sexy Slumber Town and into less-horny, waking realities (ex. I have to sign on to work in half an hour; my roommate ate my pad Thai leftovers). So when a friend sent me a TikTok about a sex toy alarm clock, I was intrigued:

Was this… real? I did a bit of digging, and found out that the vibrator was by a very real start-up brand called Little Rooster. I also found out that Howie Mandel once gave one to Jimmy Kimmel. Most importantly, I found that there are actually two models available on Amazon: 

The concept of Little Rooster’s sex toy is simple: Set the alarm, wear it externally as a panty-liner, and go to bed knowing that you will be awoken not by a jarring iPhone alarm, but through a bunch of increasingly strong vibrations on your clit. I poured over the FAQ page on the Little Rooster website, sussing out all of my usual concerns with sex toys that seem too good to be true. But after discovering that the brand’s namesake toy was made out of body-safe, phthalate-free ABS plastic, I tossed one in my (literal and proverbial) basket to try it myself.  

This thing is tiny. I don’t know why I imagined something around six inches long, but Little Rooster’s classic vagina alarm clock fits in the palm of my hand. As evidenced by this borderline-Lynchian demo video, it’s about as big as a packet of Kit Kats:

All of this matters, even more so than with your average lay-on vibrator, because you’re meant to sleep with this thing in those panties. I was afraid the vibrator wouldn’t be that comfortable given the hard plastic exterior, but, to my surprise, I forgot I was even wearing it during a screening event of The Craft. Little Rooster designed the toy for wear while you sleep, but I was curious to know what it would feel like, even if it was turned off, when worn like a classic underwear vibrator. I could feel the vibe when I walked around, but not much. Maybe this is what having a micropenis feels like, I thought. Tight. 

When I finally mastered the Squid Games challenge-level alarm set-up (more on that in a minute), I turned in for the night. Sleeping with the vibrator against me took a little getting used to, but it was ultimately just as cumbersome as, say, wearing a retainer to bed.

The next morning, at about 8 a.m., I started to gain a new kind of lucidity while dreaming. I know that no one likes to hear anyone talk about their dreams, so I’ll be brief: Suddenly, the Sausalito houseboat I was inhabiting in my dream started to shake, and I bolted up from my in-dream rocking chair before sitting up in my actual bed. Now fully awake, I silenced my Rooster, made some coffee, and thought about whether or not the earthquake I’d just experienced was real or a figment of my subconscious.

I wasn’t expecting this Inception-esque experience from the vagina alarm clock, but I was down to try it again. Luckily, the second morning was much better, ‘cause I woke up horny. Simple as that, folks. You don’t always get to pick what mood you wake up in, but I think that once my body was used to the Little Rooster vibe, it started to collaborate with it when it was in a horny state. I have been using the alarm clock on and off for about two weeks now, enjoying the rise and grind. 

This was a very challenging vibrator to set up, to say the least. That probably explains the less favorable Amazon reviews, which are far and few between but exist on two ends of the spectrum: I figured it out and love it, or, I have no idea how this works. As one Amazon reviewer writes, “Setup is like a 1920s clock radio. Have these ppl ever heard of Bluetooth or an app? Really annoying.” Even the instruction manual feels like an SAT question: 

Maybe it’s because I have never been a tech-y person, but it took me a solid hour to figure out how my vagina alarm clock worked. If anyone from Little Rooster is reading, maybe you would consider posting an instructional YouTube video for one of your newer models? And maybe it could be less terrifying/cooked than the one I referenced above?

Are you a lazy, horny sleepyhead? Do you wish there was a way to ride out your sexy morning dreams to climax without having to lift a finger? Little Rooster’s vaginal alarm clock is expensive, but it’s the closest that Hard Science has come to giving people a sentient vibrator. While its manufacturer clearly has some kinks to iron out with setup, it’s easily one of the most unique sex toys on the market. 

Here’s to more sweet, spicy dreams. 

Purchase the Little Rooster Alarm Clock Vibrator at Amazon.

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