The Best Crotchless Panties (for Staying in and Eating Out This V-Day)

If you want to peep into a person's soul, look at their underwear drawer. Those intimates can contain deep lore, from Victoria’s Secret bargain-bin finds that harken back to ye olde dorm room days to Lestat-worthy lace boxers that serve as evidence of an Anne Rice hyperfixation period. (Or just a throwback to that time they got into shibari.) Anyway, as the Pokémon adage goes, you gotta catch ‘em all. 

Today, we’re catching the best crotchless panties, briefs, drawers, bodysuits, and lingerie sets to add to your own underwear collection this Valentine’s Day and beyond. As trudge through cuffing season, it’s important to have a few tricks up your sleeve for feeling like a horny little stinker, and what’s better than unzipping your Lululemon puffer and pants after the Long Island Antique Power Association Fall Tractor and Engine Show to reveal acrotchless red Fleur du Mal thong? What better way to say, “I may not love you, but I’m down to hit on V-Day” than with these crotchless BDSM booty shorts?  

Whether you’re looking for a spicy gift for your boo or for you, here are the best crotchless panties for all price ranges and aesthetics—certain to usher in a holey, (un)silent night this Valentine’s Day.

Amazon is home to plenty of spicy intimates and sexual wellness items, from the VICE editor-loved Satisfyer Pro 2 vibrator to this high-rated bundle of lacy, crotchless boy shorts. The trifecta—which consists of sultry black, blue, and wine colorways—has more than 1,700 reviews on the site praising everything from the romance-inducing design to the stretch fit. As one stan writes,  “Um, yes! These are awesome! Shut up and take my money! Loved by all.”  

Do you have a penis, or just a penis in your life that needs crotchless panties? This high-rated set of low-rise spandex panties comes with a peek-a-boo hole for your käsekrainer. In the words of one Amazon reviewer, “Been enjoying a balls-out brand brief for a few years but [it] seems to have disappeared. This is a good substitute if you tuck the rod up under and let the boys hang loose.” 

Ah, Lovehoney. This vast sexual wellness site is filled with deals on everything from DIY sex toys bundles to crotchless underwear. This pair comes in red and black colorways, and gains bonus points for its peek-a-boo lace material on the butt cheeks. Plus, according to one reviewer, the pair is lauded as one of the most comfortable options out there for crotchless jawns. “I imagine this varies for different people,” they write, “but the hole was perfectly aligned, no uncomfortable rubbing.”

Blow your boo’s socks off by slipping into this leopard print crotchless thong, powering up the Jägermeister tap machine, and playing a spirited game of Scrabble on this West Elm faux fur throw. 

Whether or not you were deeply affected by the musical stylings of the Y2K band’s ballad to butterflies and tongue rings is almost beside the point; this pair of kaleidoscopic crotchless panties from Savage x Fenty deserves a pedestal of its own for the intricate, clever design. Those cut-out bands can become handlebars when you need them to.

Can you imagine the absolute swag of pulling up to a Chili’s with these under your Italian slacks? Unmatched. Plus, these romantic crotchless boxers have a lot of flexibility (just like your imagination).

Hanky Panky’s Nude Illusion panty is an understated departure from the traditional, honk-honk-awooga colorways (horny red; horny black) of most crotchless panties, and that’s tight. No shade to traditional sets, but the addition of a more casual, beige mesh to this lacey bikini cut panty will shake things up in our lineup of horny lingerie. 

Every friend group has one (or a few, if you live in Bushwick): the kinky couple with a closet dedicated to gag balls, bondage gear, and an over-the-door sex swing. If that sounds like you, cop the hardware-endowed Simone panty from Bluebella.

Strap-on harnesses and underwear can range from the snore-ingly utilitarian to the truly innovative, and this set of assless pegging panties is a testament to the latter. How sick will it be to effortlessly switch positions thanks to the plein air butt of this bestselling panty on Lovehoney? You’ll feel like a sexy Transformer.  

There’s something so speakeasy-and-chill about this pair of crotchless pantyhose, which is on sale at PinkCherry for under $10. Style it with this tartan Vivienne Westwood skirt to really feel your oats. 

Copping a crotchless and cupless teddy is a pretty sick two-for-one hack when it comes to sexy lingerie. All you have to do is pull up to your local Ruth's Chris Steak House in a fresh ‘fit from the Burlington Coat Factory, a dab of Le Male by Jean Paul Gaultier, and one of Lovehoney’s crotchless, size-inclusive bodysuits.

Listen, there’s a reason Carhartt doesn’t make crotchless panties (yet), and it’s because this category of coochie jawnage is about letting yourself indulge in some ornamental, borderline frivolous fun. With that credo in mind, why not spoil yourself with a red silk panty from Fleur du Mal, which is one of the best places to get non-corny lingerie online? Why not bring home a strappy black number from Agent Provocateur? After all, in the inimitable words of Arby’s, we have the meats. 

Liza Minnelli might want these back, actually. 

Here’s to a V-Day of holesome fun. 

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.