Welcome to Coping, Episode Eleven.
Ask the therapist: I need help making friends as an introvert. How can I be more outgoing?
Try positive self-talk. We all deal with negative thoughts about ourselves, and question our worth and whether or not what we just said was OK or stupid, or completely irrelevant. To help build your confidence, start identifying one thing you like about yourself each day. Write it in your notes on your phone, your journal, or send it to a friend you feel safe with. Then every morning, read the things you like about yourself out loud. Yes, it's earnest as hell, but it is truly good for building confidence.
Reconnect with old friends. In college, I was surrounded by a lot of friends. After graduation, I found myself feeling incredibly lonely—so many people had moved, gotten married, etc. What I eventually ended up doing was looking through my contacts and reconnecting with old friends. Think of the people you already know and enjoy hanging out with and send them a text asking if they’d like to get together.
Get out there. My clients never like this one, but give these some consideration: 1) Find a place you’d like to volunteer. 2) Make the first move and ask a friend—or someone you can imagine being friends with—to go out with you. 3) Do something like this at least once a week to avoid the urge to remain in your comfort zone/couch. 4) Try one of those friend-dating apps. Believe it or not, I met one of my best friends on an app called Hey Vina, which is for women to make friends with other women.
Prepare. Have a mental list of something you can talk about when meeting a new person. Something as simple as "what are your plans for the holidays?" allows you to initiate conversation and then the other person can take the lead. This also allows the other person to talk about themselves, taking the pressure off of you.
Quality over quantity. Whether you’re reconnecting with old friends or have made new ones, focus on the quality of the friendship over the quantity of people in your circle. Getting satisfaction and enrichment from the friendship is the priority, and having too many friends, especially for an introvert, can be overwhelming and take away from the ability to build meaningful friendships.
Talk to a therapist. Talking to a professional can really help boost your self-esteem and give you new techniques to quiet the negative self-talk, as well as work through any social anxiety you have when thinking about going out and meeting new friends. You can find a therapist in your area by going to adaa.org and clicking on Find a Therapist.
Some related stories:
- Apologizing all the time could be a sign of anxiety.
- When's the last time you freaked because you couldn't figure out how to split the bill? Many of us have a specific type of anxiety called math trauma.
- There are practical ways to stop hating having your photo taken, which by the way means you're probably judging yourself too harshly.
- Same with compliments: Here's what it means if you can't accept one, and how to be a little more normal about it.