Queer Impostor syndrome – woman with kinky black hair to the shoulders and bangs, wearing orange, heart-shaped sunglasses, face glitter, a rainbow top and rainbow wings.
All photos by Milou Deelen.
Life

Queer Imposter Syndrome Is Real. Here’s How People Deal With It.

“During my early days of dating, I felt like a fake queer, because I hadn’t had any sexual experiences with women yet.”

This article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Last year, during Pride week, I opened up on Instagram about how being queer has enriched my life. Shortly thereafter, I received multiple messages from people asking how I could say that when I have a straight boyfriend. Immediately, I felt doubt creeping up: Am I not queer enough?

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I think sooner or later, most people who identify as bisexual have asked themselves this question. Bisexuality is often erased from social discussions of queerness, stereotyped as a form of promiscuity or a justification for cheating, and often judged by gay people. But it’s not just bisexual folks who struggle with not feeling “queer enough.” – queer imposter syndrome is common throughout the LGBTQ+ world.

Last year, I went to the Canal Pride in Amsterdam, one of the largest pride events in Europe. I asked some fellow queers if they’ve ever struggled with these feelings – and what helped them overcome them.

“When people tell me I look straight, it makes me feel bad.”—Molly, 26

Amsterdam Pride – woman with kinky black hair to the shoulders and bangs, wearing orange, heart-shaped sunglasses, face glitter, a rainbow top and rainbow wings.

Molly, 26.

VICE: Hi Molly, you look happy!
Molly:
I am! I’m from Texas and came here especially for Pride. It’s fucking epic to be here right now, in one of the gayest cities in the world. Amazing, right?

Have you ever struggled with queer imposter syndrome?
Oh my god, totally. Especially because I dated guys my whole life. I didn’t start dating women until last year, even though I’d been wanting to my whole life. I wasn’t fully out of the closet yet. During my early days of dating, I felt like a fake queer because I hadn’t had any sexual experiences with women yet. Now that I’ve had sex, it feels real, as if I can legitimately use the word.

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When do you feel the most queer?
Right now, I mean, look at my outfit! And last night, when I made out with a random girl. The feeling gets stronger with each passing day, and I love it.

And when do you feel it less?
On a regular weekday, when I dress stereotypically feminine. When people tell me I look straight, it makes me feel bad. I recently befriended a lesbian. When I told her that I’m into women, she said, “You really don’t look like it!” I was surprised and answered, “Well, then, neither do you.”

“Once I’m in the community, I can tell the motto is, ‘Come as you are and show your true colours’.”—Max, 29 (right)

Amsterdam Pride – man with short brown hair and a black chequered shirt, hugging another man from behind. The guy in the front has a buzz cut and is wearing a kaki tanktop, a cross-body bag and a silver chocker.

Max, 29, and Max, 29, have been dating for a year.

Hi Max and Max, what does Pride mean to you?
Max
(right): To me, it’s a big celebration. A celebration that everybody can be themselves and for me, specifically, that I’ve been out for 11 years.

Max (left): It’s a great time to be visible, not just when it comes to sexuality but also gender identity. People here like to think of the Netherlands as a country where the work is done, but that’s not the case at all. It’s good to be aware of that, especially on a day like this.

When do you feel the most queer?
Max
(right): When I’m in a group of like-minded queers. It gives me this specific positive and happy feeling, knowing I can be myself.

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Max (left):  I agree with that, but I also feel most queer in our relationship when it’s just the two of us.

Do you ever wonder if you’re queer enough?
Max
(right): No. I do sometimes wonder – today, for instance – if the way I look is interesting enough. Is my outfit too boring? But once I’m in the community, I can tell the motto is, “Come as you are and show your true colours”. What you wear is entirely up to you.

Max (left): I don't necessarily doubt it, but I do sometimes think: Am I supporting my fellow queers and young queers enough? At this point, I’ve accepted myself, and I’m in a wonderful relationship, but I have to be aware that not everybody is necessarily as far along in this process.

What is the most queer thing you’ve ever done?
Max
(right): I went to House of Yes when I was in New York, it’s a club in Brooklyn that’s a true LGBTQ+ paradise. I wanted to know what it was like to take another step away from normativity, so I wore a tight top and mascara. It might sound superficial because, of course, being queer isn’t only about looks, but it felt amazing.

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“Some queer folks listen to a lot of queer music. I don’t necessarily like these artists, so sometimes I wonder, ‘Do I fit in?’.”—Lotte, 33

Amsterdam Pride – woman with shoulder-length light brown hair, wearing a light blue har, a purple shirt, a black cross-body bag and a flower-print blue skirt and holding a beer can in front of a door.

Lotte, 33.

VICE: Hi Lotte, what do your Pride plans look like?
Lotte:
I’m meeting with a few friends, and I’m standing on the quay to look at the floats. My girlfriend of seven years is 20 weeks pregnant. She’s on one of the boats, wearing a t-shirt that says, “This baby has two moms!”

Congratulations! Have you ever done something you thought was incredibly queer?
Coming out as trans and asking my friends and parents to use a different pronoun. I got lucky with my parents. They’re in their 70s and from a completely different generation. My mom especially struggled with it in the beginning, but everything’s totally fine now.

Do you ever wonder if you’re queer enough?
Some queer folks listen to a lot of queer music, like Lady Gaga, for instance. I don’t necessarily like these artists, so sometimes I wonder, “Do I fit in?”

When do you feel the most queer?
Walking hand in hand with my girlfriend feels like a statement. In Amsterdam, I feel relatively safe, though not always.

Still, people do tend to look over their shoulder when my girlfriend and I pass by. Sometimes it’s negative, but occasionally, that makes me feel proud. That despite all the social pressures, I am who I am, and I’m unapologetic about it. I came out during the pandemic, so this is the first Pride week I can fully experience.

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I feel the least queer when I’m at work, during boring Zoom meetings. Or when I go to the supermarket to buy a carton of milk, I don’t suddenly feel super queer while I’m paying for it.

Happy Pride, Lotte!
I’d like to add something and it might sound very cliche, but find out who you are. You only live once, and coming out of the closet has made me a happier person. People tell me I look happier, and I am. 

“I’m a queer woman of colour – it’s not always easy; sometimes, it’s just plain exhausting.”—Francesca, 27.

Amsterdam Pride – Woman with a twist-out, wearing a black shirt with colourful cartoon drawings, silver glasses, a silver chain, a watch and a big ring and sitting by a canal in front of a big crowd.

Francesca, 27.

VICE: Hi Francesca, what’s Pride all about for you?
Francesca:
Love, freedom, and feeling comfortable. When I look around, I see people who look like me, and everyone looks as free as I am. I’m extra proud of my queer friends today. 

Have you ever wondered whether or not you’re queer enough?
No, never. I love women in every way, it’s been like that since I was a kid. 

That’s awesome!
I sometimes feel it less when I’m at work or in public spaces, but that’s due to the way the outside world looks at me. I’m a queer woman of colour – it’s not always easy; sometimes, it’s just plain exhausting.

I know from experience that it can be hard to accept yourself as a queer person. For a long time, I wasn’t proud of myself because I didn’t accept myself. Now that I’m embracing my identity, I’m happy in a way I never was before. I’m finally free.

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What’s the most queer moment of your life to date?
When I made out with three women at the same time. I haven’t done it today, but I’m going to try to make it happen. 

“I don’t always enjoy being seen as ‘other’.”—Leon, 33

Amsterdam Pride – Bearded blond man wearing dark, rectangular sunglasses, a blue sports shirt, a thin silver chain and a black cross-body bag, standing in a crowd in front of a row of doors and laughing.

Leon, 33.

VICE: Hey Leon, how’s your Pride going?
Leon:
I live in Berlin and clearly see the difference between there and here in Amsterdam. Berlin Pride is more like a protest, less of a citywide spectacle. I think both are very powerful. I sometimes wish Amsterdam was a bit less commercial, seeing the rainbow flags in service of pinkwashing is tiring sometimes.

When do you feel very queer?
Every day. It’s a part of who I am and how I live my life. I look at the world and certain power structures through a critical lens. I don’t always enjoy being seen as “other”. At Christmas dinner with a bunch of straight people, I’ve been asked if I was a top or a bottom. That was an invasion of privacy. In those moments, I thought, “Shut up lady, I don’t ask you about your straight sex life.”

Do you ever doubt if you’re queer enough?
No, because when is one queer enough? I never not feel queer, though I have to hide it sometimes.

What’s the most queer thing you’ve ever done?
[Laughs] I’m thinking of an extreme sex story, because it went against all heteronormative standards, but I’ll keep the details to myself.