The VICE Guide to Going on a Break

A break in a relationship — sometimes the outcome of an avoidant relationship and other times a shitshow from beginning to end when done wrong — can be a healthy, fruitful experience that brings people closer.

There’s a bunch of reasons to do it: sometimes you just need a breather; sometimes you have things to explore that you haven’t been able to in your relationship; sometimes you’re just missing the single life. Maybe you’re even on the receiving end of the request.

Ella* told VICE that she and her partner of 6 years took time apart when she felt “the relationship was stagnant” and that she’d lost personal confidence and become “too dependent.” 

“Our lives became so entwined, but not in a good way. I felt like I was giving more; more of my money, time and also my emotions,” she said.

“It was tough for the first few months. Over time, it was easier to be separate for a bit and gain our independence back and do things for ourselves. During this time — and when we came back together — it helped us be more open and communicate better with one other. Most importantly, from my end, I felt like I had this new confidence where I could stick up for myself when things weren't fair and just straight up say ‘no’ sometimes. It helped me put myself first.”

You’re a better partner when you know yourself — even all the gorey, messy, ugly parts. You might come back to your relationship realising shit behaviours you were putting on your partner before, or you might figure out some personal needs you’d been putting on the backburner (bisexuals, unite). You might not come back together at all, and that’s okay too. Better the devil you know and all that. 

A break is no guaranteed problem solver. But if you care about the other people involved and want the best for your relationship, there are some things you can do to keep it from becoming a shitstorm. Meaningless mistakes and awkward interactions are bound to happen, but here’s our guide to keeping things on track. 

Let’s keep this quick. If you’re at least 80% sure that you actually want your relationship to end, a break is not for you. It’s not a bridge to a break-up, and it’s sure as hell not a good way to “let someone down easy”. 

The right headspace going into a break should be that you want to create a better relationship together on the other side of it. You’re having a breather, seeing what needs to change, or figuring out who you are so you can be a better partner. And if you don’t want those things, then it’s probably not the right path to go down. 

A break won’t always end in a reunion, but it’s on you to step up and end things if that’s what you really want. 

In an ideal world saying “let’s go with the flow” is enough, but everyone’s version of what that means is gonna be different. Without sounding like your mum, rules are good — and there are some basics to figure out together before you venture into a somewhat single period. 

How intimately do you stay involved? 

Basically, what does a break mean to you? Deciding whether you still want to hang out, be physically or sexually intimate, or cut ties completely during your time apart is all necessary kōrero. 

Do you have an end date? 

End dates aren’t for everyone, and that’s fair if you’re both on the same page. Structure can stress people out and that’s not the end goal here. But based on a survey of the VICE office, those who said they’d feel happier having an end date vastly outnumbered people who were down to ride it out with no end in sight. 

So for most of us, to make the experience as anxiety free as possible, deciding on an end date is a good idea. 

Are you spending 2 weeks apart, 2 months or a year? An open-ended break doesn’t mean it’s a bust, but if you don’t even have a vague idea of when you’re coming back together then it's hard to plan your life going forward.

Maybe you wanna go to Europe for a while? You can do that if you’ve got 12 months on your side, but announcing that you’re heading off overseas to a partner who’s assuming you’re only about to spend a few weeks apart is gonna be a nasty shock.  

Do you sleep with other people?

Sex can feel like a big deal for a lot of reasons. It’s a type of intimacy we’ve been trained to believe shouldn't be shared with too many people, and although that idea mostly comes from old attitudes, a lot of people still feel protective over their sexual selves. 

You don’t have to be cool with everything and anything to be considered sexually free-spirited, and knowing your boundaries is endlessly valuable – which is why agreeing on your sleeping situation is an absolute must.

Outside of the emotional repercussions, it's important to be upfront about your sexual needs as it affects things like contraception and protection from STIs, which shouldn’t be glossed over. No one wants to find out their partner is sleeping with someone else by uncovering any kind of (easily solvable, but unpleasant) oozing and itching in the nether regions. 

Do you date other people?

Is your time apart more about being alone or exploring other options? Dating other people might open your eyes to potential non-monogamous needs or on the flipside make you realise your partner is the only one for you — but either way it's not something you should be doing without letting your significant other know first. Especially given that dating someone else more seriously could have big ramifications on your relationship in the long term. 

What do you tell each other? 

In some ways, this is the biggest rule of all to hash out: how transparent you are with each other about your break-time experiences. Some people will probably want to know everything, and for some people it might feel healthier to know nothing at all. So don’t assume your point of view is shared by everyone involved. 

You set ’em for a reason, so stick with them. And if you break a rule you’ve made together, tell your partner. 

You’re not a bad person for realising the rules you’ve set don’t line up with what you want — you’re gonna learn things about yourself in the time apart and change. But this isn’t an excuse to act out. A break gives you space to figure your shit out, but it doesn’t give you the total freedom to do whatever you want with no consequence.

Rather than thoughtlessly break the rules that were put in place to keep things from getting complicated, pull your socks up and explain to your S/O what’s not working for you.

You can reset, decide on some new rules that work better for you both, or if the end is in sight, call the relationship off full stop before anyone gets too hurt. 

It’s not the ideal outcome to going on a break, but at the end of the day, if your big takeaway is that you’d rather be single, don’t string your soon-to-be ex partner along. In the long run, giving someone false hope or purposefully keeping them out of the loop because you don’t want them to freak out is a much shittier thing to do than telling the truth.

Letting them go might be really hard when feelings are still there, but it’s the fair thing to do for the both of you. No bullshit, just be honest. 

And if the break is just a break — and you make it back to each other unscarred — ka pai. 

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.