Dir: Christoph Clark
Evilangel.com
Rating: 9 I can't imagine that there exists a man who doesn't appreciate a nice set of knee-knocking natural tits. It makes me think that after a few thousand years God can occasionally figure it out and get it right. Most of the time I think he just likes to exercise his good sense of humor and made odd-shaped kooks. Why else would we have thick-assed women with A-cups or waify models with sets of Ds? I think that's why I have a soft spot in my heart for the surgically deformed, the lab-made mutants, and the re-created Robert Crumb drawings that make up most of Los Angeles. Mind you, I hate fake tits. But there is something tragically beautiful about seeing scars around a girl's areola from having it cut off and sewn back on. It is these ladies that deserve the love, not the supermodels and natural beach bunnies, but these mutants, because they want it more than any of us. They are willing to be butchered in the hopes of making this world a more attractive place. As you look in the mirror trying to imagine you had a smaller, less Jewy nose, are you able to say that? These sad women, with their low self-esteem and their 48HHH tits, are examples of pure selflessness and we should be thanking them for their sacrifices. Anyone can be born beautiful, but only a few are brave enough to be sliced open like a pig for beauty's sake. In a way all those porn stars out there with the ridiculously large tits and lips are no different than Jesus Christ himself. I mean, aside from all the ass fucking and blowjobs and shit. Graduation Gay
Dir: Sebastiano Brogi
Man-size.com
Rating: 1 You know what I'd like the Nature Channel to do a special on? The extinction of machismo. It seems like my whole fucking generation is a bunch of faggots and it bums me out. And I'm not even talking about the "Chuck and Buck, suck and fuck," take-it-in-the-ass type of faggot. Through therapy and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy I've learned to tolerate those dudes. My problem is the fashion-victim art fags in the clever hats and too-tight T-shirts and corduroys that think because they dress like a pansy and paint or take out-of-focus photographs they are beyond getting their teeth knocked down their throat. What happened to all my all-American blue-collar drunks that enjoy violence for violence's sake? Are they all in hiding in Montana or are we just experiencing some kind of generational gap? I look around at these hip bars and I mourn the guy that once struck fear into people's hearts with nothing more than a sideways glance. He has been replaced by limpwristed, emo computer programmers who wear women's panties and think that drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon is going to put hair on their chest and make them a man. I think we need to take it back to when everyone carried a knife and people got stabbed up on subway platforms just because there was nothing better to do while waiting for the train. This all may sound extreme, but I think it's totally necessary. Recently I came to realize that people no longer dread the lost art of threatening physical harm to others because no one does it anymore. Someone owed me a large amount of money for some time, and being the nice guy that I am, I allowed him to string me along for months with bullshit excuses of why he couldn't pay me the few thousand dollars he owed me. Once I realized he was taking advantage of my kindness and understanding and had no intention of paying me, it dawned on me that the males of my generation really must think that humanity has progressed so far that it is beyond breaking someone's hands for even a few dollars. And it really hurt my feelings to be treated with so little regard, because you know, I'm a nice fucking guy. I don't like to tell people I'm going to show up to their office with a can of gasoline and a lit cigarette or that I'll be waiting for them at the bus stop with a baseball bat or that I made a copy of their house key that time they let me crash and that if they don't pay up they're going to have to worry about waking up to a lot worse things than a fucking horse head in their bed. But luckily, it never came to any of that. But I still think we should do something to remind kids that life can sometimes be very painful. Possibly a spree of drive-by shootings. I think we should start in Silver Lake. CHRIS NIERATKO