Does ‘Taking a Break’ From a Relationship Make Sense? We Ask People Who Did It.

Most people's idea of a happy relationship is probably one without many bumps in the road – if we’re being honest, most couples go through plenty of ups and downs. 

Maybe there are external factors, like distance and different schedules causing you problems, or maybe one of you is going through personal trauma like grief or recovery. There are a multitude of reasons that relationships become difficult or stagnant, but as long as you’re both still safe and mentally stable, going through a bad patch doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. And maybe it is doomed… but that’s not really a bad thing either. 

In these tough times, taking a break from the relationship is often the conclusion that people come to. Breaks can be messy (ask anyone who still watches Friends), but with good communication between everyone involved, they can also be a really productive way to navigate issues in a relationship and if it’s something you’re considering you can check the VICE Guide to Going On a Break to see if it’s the right thing for you. 

But what is it actually like to walk away from someone you love? And how do you deal with having new boundaries and possibilities? 

We spoke to 2 people who had been through a break in their relationships, with opposite outcomes, to see what drove their decision and how it worked out in the end. 

Went on a break after 4 years, still together. 

VICE: What was your relationship like? 

Yaya: It was good and it was happy and it was stable. We'd been together for four years, then we spent two years in separate countries, and then got back together again back in Aotearoa. 

We were in an open relationship when we were in separate countries, but were still in contact all time. Then when he came back, that's when we ended up having a break.

Why did you decide to go on a break? 

It just became clear that we were at very different points in our lives and trying to figure out what we were up to, partly because of COVID-related things, and also just because of life things. We were both not communicating what we needed from each other. It was becoming pretty difficult and that wasn’t what our relationship had traditionally been like. 

The break sort of was an alternate to breaking up. So we could have a break, have some space. Think about what you actually need yourself and what you actually want from the person you're in a relationship with… and if you're prepared to ask for those things or not. If you're not, you can't get mad if you're not asking for them. 

Did you see other people and have rules around that kind of thing? 

Neither of us were really in the headspace to see other people at first, but if we had been, it would have been a conversation. Later on it did become that, where we were seeing other people during this break. Or at least we were allowed to. We didn't talk too much to each other at first, not compared to talking all the time like we used to. 

How was the actual time apart? 

The break was really hard. Immediately after we agreed to it I regretted it emotionally, but once it had been a couple of weeks and then a couple of months, it became a positive thing. I got better at doing the things by myself that I hadn't been doing because I was too focused on what I wasn't getting from my relationship, or at least wasn't asking for and was expecting him to just know. So yeah, the break sort of forced me to face stuff.

So, would you say it was a good thing overall? 

Yes. Because it made us have to assess what we actually wanted. And whether we were just being together because it was such a comfortable situation and we had been a thing for a long time, or if we were actually wanting to stay together because we were still progressing as individuals and also in that relationship. Yeah, the break was good. 

Would you recommend going on a break to others? 

It really depends. If you're not communicating as well as you possibly can be, then you probably should try going on a break, if only to realise how much you do appreciate that person or you know what they actually do give you. 

I think it's very easy to lose sight of those things, in long relationships or in short ones. And I feel like people get very attached to the idea of someone being able to give them everything that they need. And then don't necessarily know how to process that when they figure out that person can't necessarily give you everything that you need. It can freak people out.

Went on a break after 10 months, didn’t get back together. 

VICE: What was your relationship like? 

James: The relationship was not very good, and that was why we went on the break. He had been with a partner for a long time before me, almost 10 years, and had been cheated on a lot by that boyfriend. And then very quickly moved into a relationship with me. He was just still dealing with loads of trauma from having been cheated on and his self esteem was completely eroded from that. 

I was quite young, 22, and he was 31. And I was dealing with basically being his mother, like coaching him through panic attacks and always telling him he wasn't gonna be okay, and that sort of thing. And, eventually, I think we both separately realised it was becoming unsustainable. He was really, really unhappy and it wasn’t fair that it was impacting me. 

Why did you decide to go on a break? 

So he instigated the break. He came to that conclusion, and told me, but it was more like, I think I need to go work on myself for a little bit. I need to have some healing time. Which I agreed to, but I remember being really upset at the time. 

Why were you so upset by it? 

It sort of made me feel like I'd failed because I'd spent all this time coaching him through it, and trying to make him feel better about himself, and build up his self esteem.

And I guess when you love someone, you feel like you’re the one who should be able to fix them and solve their problems for them. Because I was quite new to relationships, I sort of naively thought that I was gonna be able to do that. When, obviously, he needed professional help. So when he said he needed a break to sort of work on that I felt like I failed. So I was really upset. And I cried.

What were the terms of the break? 

We said we would do a month and then check in. I don't think we were getting with other people. We weren't going to talk. We were just going to not see each other for a bit. But I remember he then had a panic attack maybe two days after we started the break and he called me like, I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't call you, but I'm just so upset… And I sort of remember being like, come on, what's going on here?

Apart from that we generally stuck to the terms and I didn't really see him for that month. But after that we did not stay together.

Did the break end up being a good thing?

I’d say it was a good thing. He had been so hurt and broken down by his previous relationship that he needed time to heal. And he needed to do that alone. I don't think it was healthy for him to go straight into another relationship where he was putting his self esteem into another person and looking to a partner to be reminded that he was loved. 

I think he needed to really build himself back up to a point where he could believe that he was loveable and that he was loved by people beyond just having a partner. And I don't think you can really do that while you have a partner, you need to have time alone to build up your sense of self again. 

Also, before the break, I'd been so obsessed with him in my own sort of insecure way, because I thought he was so cool and older than me and he was going to show me an exciting life that I had really neglected my own friends. And then I remember having that time apart from him, I just sort of started hanging out with everyone again, and realised that I was totally fine being single as well. I really liked my friends and I didn't really need to be in a relationship.

So it was good for both of us, but bad for the relationship, if you know what I mean?

How did you navigate not staying together afterwards? 

I remember him coming back to me and saying, I made a mistake, I want to be back with you. I don't know if he meant that. I think now he'd probably see it as a good thing, but at the time I think he just missed me… But yeah, he sort of came back saying, I miss you, I regret going on a break, let's get back together. 

Without even realising it, I think I just enjoyed my time being single and didn't really want to be in a relationship again. We tried being back together for another month or so and it just was really stiff and stale. It just didn't pan out. 

Would you recommend going on a break to others?

I actually would. Obviously it was unsuccessful for me and the relationship failed. But I think you can just put things on the shelf for a bit and come back to them and sometimes it's necessary to do that.

I think to be fully present in a relationship, you do need to have solid self esteem and you need to believe that you're loveable, and you need to believe in your capacity for love.

And to do that, sometimes you need to just work on yourself and maybe go to therapy or find help in some other way. But I think sometimes you need to do that outside of a relationship. 

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.