How to Close Your Open Relationship

“Oh, we’re open,” my friend said to me last week, un-docking her mouth from the face of a man who was very much not her boyfriend. “I can shag whoever I want.”

Open relationships have been around since the dawn of our human desire to bone, but these days, it seems like everyone and their dog is fucking other people. At least half of my coupled-up friends keep texting me from taxis carrying them and their boyfriends home from separate hook-ups, and I challenge you to use Hinge for 20 minutes without stumbling across at least five men with “open relationship looking for some fun xx” in their bio. 

There are various ways that a couple can be non-monogamous – from polyamory to relationship anarchy – but open relationships are one of the most common. This usually refers to a couple who regard each other as their sole emotional partners but screw around on the side. The rules differ from couple to couple – some might not even want to know the name of their significant other’s hook-ups, while others might schedule dates with other people for the same evening, or even share partners.

Nothing lasts forever, though, and sometimes people change their minds about what they want in a relationship. Sometimes one or both parties want to turn back the clock on their non-monogamous status – and there’s nothing wrong with that.

“Closing an open relationship can feel daunting, particularly if it's clear your partner is enjoying the openness,” says Jessica Alderson, a co-founder and relationship expert at So Syncd, a dating app that matches people based on personality type. “But it's completely reasonable to decide that it's not the right path for you. 

“Situations change, our needs shift, and we never know exactly how we'll feel about something new until we try it – so it's important not to feel guilty about changing your mind.”

So how can you close your open relationship if you’ve changed your mind? As is always the way in any relationship: communication, communication, communication.

“One of the best ways to re-adjust the boundaries in a non-monogamous relationship is having an open conversation with your partner,” explains Callisto Adams, a dating and relationship expert at dating advice website HeTexted.com.

“Let your partner know how you feel, and how you're seeing things from your perspective without accusing them or demanding for them to change their behaviour. Rather, approach this conversation with a sense of partnership and a sense that you're in this to solve issues together.”

Adams suggests using a variation on this phrasing: "I'm sensing that you're enjoying the openness a lot more than I am, and I understand – enjoying the openness is one of the most obvious points to an open relationship. However, I value you and your presence in my life, and I felt like sharing this concern with you, as this is something that's making me uncomfortable." 

Obviously, you have to reword so it sounds more natural coming out of your mouth. But it’s similar to the conversation you probably had to open up your relationship in the first place: This isn’t working for me anymore, can we change things and adapt together?

Also – don’t chicken out of saying what you really want. “State clearly that you want to go back to a monogamous relationship, so there is no confusion,” Alderson emphasises. “You'd be surprised how many people avoid stating exactly what they want when it comes to conversations like this.”

So let’s say you’ve done the deed and told your significant other that you want to shut the door on your open relationship. Your next step is to “actively listen to your partner’s response and any questions they might have”, Alderson adds. “They might need time to process the information and work out how they feel about the situation. If this is the case, don't pressure them to respond straight away about how they want to move forward.”

There is a possibility that your partner might like the freewheeling life too much to give it up. This might be shitty and heartbreaking, but if that’s the case – and being in an open relationship isn’t making you happy – perhaps it’s best to find your own happiness elsewhere.

“To close an open relationship, you and your partner need to be on the same page,”  says Linda Whiteside, the lead clinical counsellor at  mental health care clinic NuView Treatment Center. “Otherwise, you’ll break up because of poor communication and the realisation that you have incompatible dating lifestyles.

“If they do not agree with you and would like to continue their lifestyle, I would suggest that you must respectfully say goodbye and end the relationship if their being polyamorous is a dealbreaker to you.”

On the other hand, your partner may agree wholeheartedly to slot back into a monogamous lifestyle. This comes with its fair share of challenges: If your relationship has been open for a while, it might be second nature to catch a steamy somebody’s eye on the tube or to buy someone else a drink at a bar because you like their tattoos and cheekbones. That may not be compatible with your newfound monogamy, and you’ll need to retrain your brain to stop seeking out potential conquests. 

“It's normal and natural to find other people attractive. However, in an exclusive relationship, you don't act upon that attraction,” says Adams. “Think of it as a way to respect the boundaries of your relationship, and as a way to prevent hurting your partner from your actions. Try being mindful of your decisions.”

If being monogamous doesn’t have to last forever, then neither does being non-monogamous, but the transition between the two has to come with the age-old staple of a healthy relationship: honest communication. 

So if your slut era is entering its final days, bite the bullet, for god’s sake, and talk about it with your partner. If all goes well, you can both look forward to porking the same person for the rest of eternity.