Every Guy Based on Which App He DMs You on

But even if you steer clear of the apps, you’re not safe from the DM sliders. Previously the butt of dating jokes and fodder for memes, it turns out that for an increasing number of daters, DM sliding isn’t all that cringey anymore. New research shows that two in five Gen Zs surveyed had met their partner through a DM slide – eleven percent more than those who met through an app. Apparently, connecting through a social profile offers more of a natural arena to get to know someone through, rather than the romantic and sexual pressures of a dating app. 

This makes perfect sense. But as an ageing millennial that still fruitlessly hopes I’ll meet the love of my life in a park when my non-existent dog’s lead gets tangled around them in a dorky yet adorable meet cute, I still see DM slides as best case scenario awkward, worst case scenario totally unhinged. And while many of us have only ever had to contend with an Instagram or Twitter DM, men (look, it just is mostly men) are getting more creative and wildly braver when it comes to their avenue of choice. So in the spirit of good old chirpsing season, let’s delve into the psyches of the DM sliders, categorised by their platform of choice – because when you’re this horny, nothing is off limits. 

As per the above study, Instagram is the preferred platform for people hoping to DM their way into love. Even if you’re just trying to bang, you can chat without any preconceived notion that you’re trying to bang – even though you’re totally trying to bang. As long as the person’s account isn’t private, it’s not that creepy, but there are three main types of sliders to look out for:

a) The Calculated Pro
They study a girl’s Insta, looking for the perfect “in”. Beach pic? Nah, liking that could be construed as pervy. Family shot? Doesn’t set the vibe. Shot holding a Sally Rooney novel? Bingo! This guy watched the BBC show, and totally got Connell’s feelings, you know – they’re a sensitive, educated boy. They’ll slide in with their emotionally available review and see that totally natural, not-at-all-manufactured connection flourish. 

b) Flames Emoji Guy
They’ll drop a flame emoji on every single story that features her. She’ll never respond, and it’ll start getting weird. Their hopes won’t be dashed, though – consistency is key. When she realises upon the 28th fire that Flames Emoji Guy thinks she’s hot even when she’s in matching Christmas jumpers with her nana, she will be theirs – they’re sure of it.

c) Dating App Guy
They found the love of their life on Hinge: She was funny, she was beautiful, she said she liked Radiohead. OK, so she didn’t match with them exactly, but that was probably just an accident. She wouldn’t link her Instagram if she didn’t want to be contacted, so to the DMs we go! “Hey, how are you? [smiling emoji] I saw you on Hinge and thought you were really beautiful [blushing emoji] Thought IG was better for chats… so it says you want kids, me too! More interested in making them [devil emoji] hahahaha.” After a further week of no response they can’t see her profile anymore, but that’s probably because she didn’t see their message before she deactivated to be more ~in the moment ~. They love that about her. Maybe try to find her on Twitter instead?

You know when you leave a window open and a bee comes in, then you try to swat it out and it seems to go away, but ten minutes later you hear it buzzing again? That is the Twitter DMer – the evolved reply guy, a man that will not be deterred no matter how deafening the wall of silence. They will follow a girl, no harm there; they will like her amusing tweet about her bad morning; they will like her tweet about her struggle to get Beyoncé tickets; they will like her tweet about why Suella Braverman is the devil incarnate. That shows interest in all aspects of her personality, you see. 

Next they level-up to replies: A laughing emoji at first; a “totally agree” under the next; an “I love Kate Bush too! Have you heard this song? It was actually hers before The Futureheads covered it!” under a post about her record collection. When she still doesn’t reply, they figure she missed it in her mentions, so it’s best to reply in her DMs instead – it’s more personal that way. They will continue this pattern until they finally get a polite response or a block. This is often followed by an unsolicited dick pic sent from a gamer chair in a darkened room, or a string of increasingly deranged insults about how they never even thought she was that hot anyway.

Now, this fella is a true vintage: A man with boundless confidence and no shame. A man who needs no route inwards, just a cold open. She will have never seen him before in her life, shares no mutuals, yet here he is, dropping a “hey” in the inbox. They’re in their 40s. They still use the poking function, and invite you to play Farmville. They’ve never seen MTV’s Catfish, and don’t understand that nobody trusts anybody on Facebook because of that guy who was catfished by his cousin, or the girl who thought she was dating Lil Bow Wow. I’m envious of the oblivious life they lead. 

They’re a romantic that’s watched too many rom-coms and hopes their wedding speech will be about meeting the love of their life on the app when they duetted a recreation of “Jiggle Jiggle” by Louis Theroux. I sincerely hope this works out for them. 

So apparently this person exists. They’ve never interacted with a woman before, because if they had, they’d know that Pinterest is a sacred place to imagine a life where you have a Chesterfield sofa, a perfect feature wall, extremely well organised wardrobes, a crafting room and an ideal BIAB manicure – rather than your actual life where you share a flat and a stained IKEA two-seater with four people, and you’re being hit on through Pinterest. 

At 4AM this young professional rises and does sun salutations, then a two-hour workout before beginning their day of brainstorming sessions. They do gratitude affirmations. They believe in office culture. They don’t understand how anybody in their mid-30s hasn’t bought property – they invested that £20,000 their parents gave them. They’re a good landlord now. They listen to Joe Rogan. They think Jordan Peterson has some great points. The word “boundary” does not exist in their vocabulary. They’ve already faced, or will face very soon, a sexual harassment case – just maybe.

HR is already scheduling their disciplinary hearing. 

For most, Nextdoor is an app that connects neighbours, mainly used for noise complaints and registering concern at loitering youths or missing post. But for a specific type of person, it’s also an opportunity to graft. This person probably thinks that aside from the murdering and all that, Joe Goldberg from Netflix’s You is actually just a misunderstood romantic. How lovely would it be to fall in love with your neighbour? They did it all the time on Friends and The Big Bang Theory!

After posting about wanting to help the really gorgeous blonde that lives in 4D with her shopping from Tesco Express – where they know she goes because they’ve seen her there – if you listen really carefully… you can hear her dialling 999.