5 People Give Dating Advice to Their Younger Selves

Young love is pretty complicated. It can bring with it sleepless nights, endless cuddles, constant emoji-laden texts, and giddy happiness. But it can also bring with it issues that feel like the end of the world, like we’ll never be able to love anyone else with that intensity again. The spectrum of emotions that each initial relationship leaves behind often colours our viewpoint on both love and life thereafter. And even as your perception of these relationships matures with time, there’s always that part of you that wonders if you could have done something differently given the chance to do it all over again with a little extra dating data stored up. To maximise the potential of this thought process, we asked some folks to share the love life lessons they would impart to their younger selves, and here’s what we got.

I was an absolute loser in college. Even though I got a lot of attention, I never capitalised on it. I didn’t even have the courage to chat up a cute girl. I was very shy and found it easier to hide behind the camera and play a role, rather than just be myself. I lived with this crippling fear of rejection that affected me in more ways than just dating. But, I had the good fortune of having a few wonderful relationships that made me feel better about myself. I would love to tell a teenage me that you will transition, mentally mature and overcome your fears. We often suffer more in our imagination than in reality. Even if you prefer long-term relationships, it’s perfectly all right to have one-night stands. Just make sure you’re safe. And by that, I don’t just mean wearing a condom, but also being emotionally prepared about not getting too fucked up over them. Put all your cards on the table, I’d tell myself. Having spent some time in therapy has also made me understand myself better and be less rash. I'm working to overcome my poison tongue, because of which I have ended up hurting people who have hurt me. I’ve been nasty and said things that I’ve regretted, even punched through plates because of it. And while I’m not a violent person, I realised that words can hurt people too. Now that I understand myself better, I can express myself better as well.

There’s a preconception that if you’re in it for the long haul, you have to make an extra effort. But if it’s not working out now, then no amount of affection or effort is going to make it work. If I could be different in any previous relationship, I think I would be a lot less cynical but also a little more cautious about how much I share with my partner. When you’re young, you should just go with the flow. Don’t take yourself or your relationship too seriously; think of it more like a friend you’re having sex with. I have been married for 10 years but we believe we are in a live-in relationship. I live by the book The Fountainhead in terms of its Objectivism philosophy, because especially living in India, you get so emotionally attached. You’ve also got to give each other space. I’d tell myself to go slow emotionally, especially in this day and age of Instagram where a lot of people act like something they’re not, and social media defines relationships.

The most important thing I’d tell myself would be perhaps to not focus on other people and what they think of you, or to look for acceptance in other people and places like the church or even your family. When you’re younger, you find it difficult to deal with jealousy and insecurity, but you should focus more on high-frequency emotions like contentment, kindness and self-respect instead of jealousy. Surround yourself with positive impulses, like literature, music and art, that nurture and help you grow. I dated somebody for six years when I was younger and even though we’re still great friends, it would have been wonderful if I had been less insecure. I had a lot of preconceived notions, but this idea of two men walking into rainbows and butterflies is not always true. It’s important to not have heteronormative benchmarks because monogamy may not work for nine out of 10 gay men. Don’t give the remote control of your life to other people, be the sole gatekeeper of your house, share your lessons with each other, and grow collectively. I was often bigoted towards people of my community and “fat people” and would often joke around them, but we all grow from our mistakes and learn to respect and forgive.

I’ve always thought that I liked women, even before I dated guys and openly came out. I’d reassure a younger me about how coming out is really personal and people should only do it when they’re comfortable. Sexuality is just a part of what you are—it’s not your identity. Always be honest, it’ll make you happier. Open up about it when you think you’re ready for it and don’t feel pressurised. When you’re younger, you kind of want to please the other person. So, you may not pursue your passion because you want to be accommodative to them. But it’s important to find a balance and involve your partner in things you like, including your social circle. Be honest to yourself and don’t blame others because eventually, even the things you may regret, like career opportunities you gave up for someone else, will kind of fall into place and take you where you need to be.

Dating changes as the years go by but I’ve always believed in being completely honest. Then and now. Don’t commit if you want to explore options. What’s the point in cheating, really? Do what you must openly. My younger self wouldn’t agree with this, but I’m now friends with most of my exes, because when all is said and done, all that should remain is the love.