What Actually is ‘A Thing’: People Define the Pre-Dating Period

It’s no surprise that people shy away from the word “dating”. It’s not quite as extreme as “in a relationship” – which brings with it a sense of commitment, vulnerability and honesty – but even the implication that you’re somehow attached to someone can feel too serious for some people. Instead, you talk about “things”, “situationships” and “seeing each other”, but do any of us actually know what anyone else means when they say it?

If one of you thinks it means you’re casual but still exclusive, and one of you thinks it means nothing more than being the person you hit up at 2am every second weekend, then you’re probably not starting in the best place. It all comes down to having a convo and getting some clarity on what a “thing” really is. 

To try and give everyone a better understanding of what people mean when they say the dreaded word, VICE asked young people in Aotearoa how they define a “thing”. 

Amber, Dunedin

“I think it's when you see that person more often than anyone else you're seeing, but I've found that it's quite different definitions from person to person.” 

Jordan, Auckland

“I feel like a thing is something where you're mutually attracted to each other, but there hasn't been a crossover in your lives. It starts off as like, you’re attracted to someone, you start talking and then there's a threshold that you pass when it becomes romantic or sexual. 

But I think a “thing” is something that's inconsequential to each other's lives. Like, if you were to walk away, right there at that moment, it wouldn't have any impact on your life because you wouldn't have introduced them to people that you work with, your friends, your family or anything like that. I think that's when it turns to dating. You bring each other into the fold in some way.  But a “thing” is, to me, only fun.”

Mitch, Dunedin

“I'd say you’re probably seeing them once a week, texting often. Still pretty casual and potentially still seeing other people. That's just a thing.”

Jack, Dunedin

“Probably someone I've been talking to for a while and it's kinda like getting to be  a relationship, but it might not be”

Jamie, Gore

“You're seeing someone but it's not official. It’s exclusive, but we're not dating, same as, I'm seeing someone. You'd have to have that conversation to actually know, but I would think if you're a “thing”, it's just the two of you, like, not seeing someone on the side.”

Mikey, Auckland 

“You have fun, but you're not very open with each other. You don't really know what it is, so you call it a “thing”. The possibilities are open.

Sometimes, if you don't want to progress, it's nice to not have conversations about those sorts of things if you don't need to. But if I thought I needed to, I would probably endeavour to be more honest with them.”

When it comes to creating a clear definition, the simple answer is, there isn’t one. One thing that is clear is that a “thing” definitely isn’t the same as dating – which takes conscious effort and a conversation with everyone involved. But as to the exclusivity of your relationship, or the level of involvement in each other's lives, there’s no established norm. 

Don’t assume everyone has the same idea of a “thing” as you do, and if you really want to know where you stand with someone: Ask, be honest with them about what you want, and be ready to hear their side. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.