This Woman Runs a Business Fixing New Zealand Men’s Crap Tinder Profiles

In a world of digital dating, New Zealand men are about on par with Pepsi when it comes to selling themselves. It's slim pickings out there, unless you're looking for a bush-shirt wearing, animal-slaughtering, Subaru-enthusiast or a jumped-up, Lynx-wearing "entrepreneur" who's DTF. But is the male Tinder pool really all that bad?

Not according to self-styled dating guru Emily McLean, who says most men just need a bit of help branding themselves. Emily runs a business curating men's Tinder profiles to help increase their matches. She started Matchstick Dating based on her own experience swiping through "hordes of men who just weren't quite getting it right". When a client comes to her for help (for anything from a one night stand to a long-term relationship) Emily rewrites bio options, arranges a photoshoot and gives advice on how to approach potential matches. The whole premium package will cost you a stomach-dropping $300 - although skint lotharios can downsize to a bio re-write for just $30.

While many men may purport not to care, insecurity about dating profiles is fuelling a mini-industry of its own. Sites are stacked with "10 mistakes men make on tinder" articles. In stray corners of the internet, men in reddit threads compare bios, photos and swipe-to-match ratios:
"I need help I barely get any swipes please help," pleads werrt1234.
"I have 0 matches and don't know why. Even though I was kinda picky I swiped right enough times," tinderthroughaway replies.
Emily says despite the "dating app fatigue" of late, business is booming. Since starting Matchstick Dating almost a year ago, she has helped more than 50 men, and says she now has clients coming to her each week for help.

But when it comes to choosing profile photos, Emily says men don't seem to care enough; often posting out of date or pixelated photos in which swiping suitors can't actually see them properly, or, Tinder God forbid, the dreaded group shot.

"On Tinder you have about 2.8 seconds to decide whether to swipe right or left, so if you're looking at a series of group photos and you have no idea who the guy is then you're not going to swipe right, are you?" Party shots, she says, are another big one: "men want to look like they're spontaneous and fun-loving, but you can do that without having a beer in your hand in every photo, looking like you're wasted in the Longroom."

As an expert in her field–or at least, someone who has seen a shitload of Tinder profiles–Emily says the way New Zealand men behave on Tinder reflects the deep-rooted gender stereotypes that still exist in our society — something registered psychotherapist Emma Green believes men struggle to balance with women's expectation of vulnerability.

Green has a special interest in relationship and interpersonal difficulties and says a lot of men she encounters are torn between pressure to be "macho" and vulnerable at the same time.

"Most women want men to be masculine, but we also want them to be able to talk about their feelings. But many of these men are saying that women take off at the first sign of vulnerability, so there's this complexity, because as women do we actually want men to be vulnerable do we want them to be tough?

"Men might have been hunter-gatherers at one stage and it probably wasn't all that necessary to sit around talking about your feelings, and now they need to adapt to a 21st Century context where they do need to be aware of their feelings. The problem is, that's not how we socialise men in New Zealand."

Emily says the hunting and fishing shots–which are, perhaps unsurprisingly, a lot more prominent in the South Island–tend to appeal to other men, rather than women.

"Men's profiles often give the impression they are looking for a mate, rather than a girlfriend. It's a masculinity thing, like 'look at me, I have all these macho hobbies'.
"Including one of those photos is fine, but we're a bit beyond the whole male provider thing now."

We have a "harden-up" culture that teaches men to be tough, says Green, and while she admits this is a generalisation, it could explain why a lot of men struggle with how to present themselves on dating apps like Tinder.

"I don't mean to imply that it's not rough out there for women, who are obviously subjected to a whole lot more gender stereotyping and messages too, but I think maybe for men this is less talked about."

Emily agrees. She says the men she works with are often confused about what women want, and still very set on the entrenched gender stereotypes we have in New Zealand,

"We've really moved on from that, especially in the bigger cities, but we do still have these set ideas about what it means to be a man or a women, which is sad, "

So while it's fine to to have hobbies, Emily rules they're way too prominent in a lot of men's profiles.

"They'll have three shots of their car or shots of them out pig hunting with dead animals around their shoulders, or shots with their motorbikes, and a lot of women really don't relate to that–because they're either not into those hobbies or they envisage the guy spending more time doing those things than they would with them."
Other no-nos include pictures with other women, which Emily says can make potential right-swipers feel insecure or threatened, and the ever-popular topless selfie in a toothpaste-spotted mirror.

Kiwi men, it seems, see it differently. We asked a few dudes to describe their Tinder photos to us, and they covered most of Emily's off-limits bases.
"First one is shot of me and some mates at a bar somewhere, second is a topless shot in bed, third is out on a boat and fourth is pic of me doing a yardie at my 21st, haha, should probably change that one," says Andy, 29.

Dave, 25, hits prospective suitors with a party shot from Wellington Sevens, followed by "a dirty close up of this beard I grew at uni — can't take it too seriously!" He's probably saved himself via a shot with his puppy: "Pull the heart strings a little, y'know? "

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When writing a bio, Emily says the biggest mistake men make is writing nothing at all, which can make it look like they have no vested interest in meeting anyone — but don't try to come across too jovial or funny either or "you can come off as a bit odd", she says.

"You've got to entice the other person to you, so don't just list off how amazing you are, list off what you're actually looking for and what you have to offer. And state your intention — if you're looking for a keeper, put that in there — it creates trust from the beginning. If not, write something like: 'Let me buy you dinner and I'll show you a really good night,' instead of just 'DTF'.

"With some men, you can tell they've reached that point where they have dated too many women and had too many bad experiences, so they're just bitter. Those types of profiles will often read 'no time wasters, no flirts, no women without good intentions', or 'if you're going to swipe and not talk, don't swipe at all'. That immediately puts out an aggressive vibe and no one wants to go near a guy like that. Save your issues for your therapist and bring your best self to Tinder."

We asked the same three dudes to send us their bios. Two of them don't even have one.
"Never written a bio, I tend to get put off by them more than anything," Dave says. Charlie, 26, agrees.
"Don't have a bio - pictures speak louder than words and helps add an element of mystery."

Andy, 29, at least has something: "Sup, not sure what to say but I'm a pretty chill guy, into your usual sports, going out, etc. Keen to meet a nice lady, no time wasters please."

"I guess it's an issue of authenticity," says Green. "Do men want to be authentic or put up what women want to read or might be attracted to?

"At the end of the day, I'm a fan of being authentically yourself. If you're a rugby-playing, beer-drinking guy who likes to go hunting and fishing, why would you present yourself as a sensitive new age guy in order to attract a woman who might not gel with you?"

*Matchstick Dating has so far worked on dating profiles for heterosexual matches, but the service is available to people of all sexual orientations.