How to Recognise and Deal with a Narcissistic Relationship

As an author and practicing clinical psychologist, I’ve been working on the subject of narcissism for almost 20 years, with a focus on how this personality style affects other people. I’ve provided therapy for countless people who have found themselves dating narcissists, married to narcissists or were raised by a narcissistic parent, and I’ve published numerous books about what I’ve learned. For most of those two decades, my work was seen as pretty niche. But then the 2016 presidential election of Donald Trump happened, and this question of what makes someone a narcissist and how to cope with their behavior suddenly blew up. This word, which was rarely brought up in conversation before, quickly became a huge part of the public discourse. Now, in my opinion, it's seriously misunderstood and used far too much.

That’s why we’ve created this definitive guide to what narcissism actually is, how to identify it in a person, and how to protect yourself from—and survive during—a narcissistic relationship. 

Narcissism is a personality style. That’s an important distinction to make. It’s not a disorder, or a clinical diagnosis; it’s a personality style. It’s characterized by consistent patterns of variable or low empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, arrogance, egocentricity, attention-seeking, superficiality, manipulative behavior, and an intense focus on personal appearance. At its core, narcissism is maladaptive and rigid. Maladaptive, because it tends to put people at odds with others, and rigid, because it’s incredibly difficult to change. People with these personality styles tend to be inflexible and unwilling to make the shifts and changes that different situations and circumstances require.

Much of the confusion around narcissism relates to the difference between narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), like any psychiatric disorder, requires evaluation and assessment by a licensed mental health practitioner. There are clear diagnostic criteria and the additional requirement that this personality style is negatively impacting the person’s social and occupational functioning. We don’t know if most narcissistic people have NPD because we don’t know if they have been diagnosed. So your brother may be narcissistic, but unless he has been to therapy and been diagnosed—and that diagnosis has been communicated to you—then you may never find out whether or not he has NPD.  

Narcissistic qualities are usually defenses that are designed to protect the narcissistic individual, and guard their deep-seated and unprocessed sense of insecurity, fragility and inadequacy. This fragile core often has its origins in attachment issues, which may arise if a person grew up in an environment characterized by chaos, trauma, or inconsistent caregivers. However, some narcissistic folks got there because they were overindulged as children, materially spoiled, never taught to set boundaries or regulate their behavior or emotions, or were told that they were more special than other children. 

What we're looking for above all else is consistency. Everyone has a bad day when they’re not as empathic as they could be, or a grandiose day when ten things go right and you're saying to people: “I’m killing it! I’m doing great!” The one-off episodes of selfishness or grandiosity do not a narcissist make. The key to narcissism is consistency and pervasiveness. It's that whole array of qualities I listed above, consistently showing up in most of an individual's interactions with the world. 

But there is a little bit of a catch here: Narcissistic people are not psychotic, or broken from reality—they know what “nice” behavior looks like, and they reserve that for interactions that will get them what they need or want (e.g. charming towards the boss, verbally abusive and callous towards a partner). 

Someone with a moderate narcissistic personality is pretty consistently unempathic and manipulative with the people closest to them. When we get to the severe end, narcissism  becomes a bigger problem: We may see things like exploitation and coercion, as well as aggression and violence. A person in more severe narcissistic relationships, may live in a lot of fear. So, there is definitely a continuum, and that's why different people have different experiences with people who are narcissistic.

Not so fast. When we focus on the grandiose, entitled, arrogant, callous person—why would anyone talk to them? Because they can be often charming, charismatic and confident. Narcissistic people have such a fabulous front game, and tend to be attractive, successful, and overrepresented in positions of leadership. They tick the boxes of what we ordinarily consider to be a successful person. As a result, they often seem well put together when you first meet them, and it can take a minute for that charade to drop. When it finally does, you may be confused and wonder where the charming person went. Plus, because of the gaslighting and manipulation that are so universal in these relationships, you may blame yourself and justify their behavior to keep the relationship going in the hope that the charmer returns.

Social media is peppered with accusations of narcissism, because someone angered them once or there was some shady behavior like cheating. It’s true, narcissists often cheat, but cheating doesn't mean someone is a narcissist. 

Most people are in a relationship for a while—about a year or two—before they observe the traits that come with a narcissistic relationship, as well as the sense of intimidation, control, dismissiveness, and betrayal. The key is to recognize that these patterns are not healthy, and get out.  

The fortunate ones aren't so deep in; they aren't engaged, living together, or don't have children together—they can get out more easily. But these relationships are so confusing, and fill us with so much self-doubt, that even if you can get out, the fallout can affect you for a while afterwards.

If you really can't get out—and this is the story for many people I’ve encountered in these relationships—then it becomes about realistic expectations and radical acceptance. Narcissistic people are very unlikely to change, and if you bring up your unmet needs, they will most likely react with rage, gaslighting, minimization or mockery. They will also often do something called future-faking, in which they make false promises to keep you there (“I am going into therapy, I will never cheat on you again, I will change”). 

People I treat will often say, “Well maybe I can change them.” Not likely. When it comes to changing someone’s personality, let me ask you this: Could you change yours? If you are a highly introverted person, do you think  you could jump the rails to be the life of the party and go out most nights of the week? This person isn't likely to change and your needs will not be recognised by this relationship, so you need to cultivate other avenues of support and set better boundaries so you can survive in this without losing yourself. 

Parents and families raise a big issue, and a lot of that is cultural: In many cultures, setting boundaries with family members is considered disrespectful or disloyal, let alone stepping away altogether. Some people do go no-contact with their family and say enough. Others will evolve into a more perfunctory relationship and move far away or disengage. But while physically moving away can remove you from the day-to-day nonsense, it won't cure the mental anguish and invalidation you've suffered, and you'll still need to do the individual work to sort that out for yourself. Other than that, again, it's realistic expectations: Recognizing that they are not going to be empathic and will be selfish. Turning that into action may mean curtailing how much time you spend with them, and how much you allow them to know about you and be involved in your life.

Many people buckle under the pressure and keep trying to salvage that hope of a normal and healthy parent-child relationship. I've seen people still trying to get their parents’ approval, justifying their parents’ behavior, and enduring their critiques right up until their deathbed. There's usually no happy ending, and it’s an incredibly painful realisation for people. 

Wanting to identify and address someone’s narcissistic personality style should not be about labeling or finger pointing. It’s about recognising what healthy and unhealthy relationship behavior looks like. It’s about lifting blame for survivors of these relationships, who have traditionally been the ones who have been pathologised and subsequently labeled as anxious, depressed or troubled. 

Narcissistic behavior is unacceptable, and feeling anxious, confused, self-doubting, and shameful is a normal cascade of reactions in the face of this behavior. But by understanding this personality style and the associated traits, you are in a better position to stop blaming yourself, and find a way forward—whether that’s by disengagement or ending it altogether and allowing yourself to heal.