10 NZers Tell Us How They Got Ghosted

I should have known it was coming. He transferred me $50; reimbursement for our Easter weekend getaway without so much as a text or a reply for that matter. That fateful bank transfer, now the only intimate proof I hold of our romance (he’s blocked). We stopped talking. Ghosted.

Ghosting is an action so widely dissected-and-discussed you’d be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t know what it means. I’d been a previous victim in high school, a time when the act was still gaining definition, and the same time as online dating norms were being created. But it still happens. 

Entire essays (don’t check my Notes app) and theories could be written about my ghosting, and all ghosting for that matter. It drives you mad. For a while, my brain replayed the memory of a previous fling asking “have you written about me yet?” Like, could it all have been done for the sake of clout? 

Everyone’s got different antidotes to the madness: my flatmates say to block all avenues of possible communication, my Mum says “just find a new one”, and TikTok keeps telling me to cast spells. The only thing that actually seems to work is hearing other people’s experiences. 

From dynamics as deep as being months into a relationship, to an “art boner”, the spectrum of how people came to be ghosted is wide. 

Read below for 10 NZers’ experiences, and let it be a nice reminder that hey, even if it haunts you for a little while — shared human experiences keep the world turning.

Constance 

I had a date with this guy. It was really intense, he told me everything about his life, he read his diary to me, and then we kissed. He gave me a book to read and then ghosted me. So I went to his work, asked for him, and then flicked the book across the counter. 

Mia 

He asked me out on a date and took me to a really expensive bar that he booked. I could not afford the drinks so I barely ate for like a week after. Completely ghosted me the next day and forever after. We’d had such a nice time, and he’d told me he wanted to see me again. 

Made me feel awful, to be honest. Especially because it went really well. I started thinking that I’d made it up and maybe it went really bad but it genuinely went so well so I was just like “wtf?” 

I ran into him in town a few weeks later and I was SO DRUNK. The next morning, he tried to booty call me at 9am after seeing me aggressively drunk. I thought that was weird. We never spoke again.

Oli 

We met on Tinder and were chatting for ages. He was super cute and a bit coy, but is an artist and gave me an art boner. Art, art, art. I love art and men. I’d bring up meeting in person and he’d always deflect or make up an excuse. 

The method of ghosting was a “seen” text and a no reply, followed by me saying “hey” again a couple of months later with another “seen”. Made me feel bummed, and not in the good way. I thought it was me. We had a good connection and chatted really well outside of our mutual horniness. Biggest bummer of it all is I really like his art and now feel like I can’t engage with his art out of respect for his ghosting. 

Tom

I had a school mate and we became really good friends for a few months but after hooking up for the first time at a party she literally never contacted me on socials again and ghosted me at parties. 

Jerykah 

I met them years ago at a party and he ended up coming to a friend’s farewell dinner and I forced him to sit next to me. I had to get super drunk to be able to talk to him. Literally just talked for the whole night. He was so hard to talk to but I forced it because I liked him. 

We were messaging for like two weeks “planning” a dinner he didn’t even take me on. This man straight up just stopped talking to me. It was so brave. 

He still follows me and views all my stories and likes all my posts. He just straight up stopped messaging me. I went crazy. I told all the girls and made my friend tell his brother. I once messaged him asking if he was going out. He had the audacity to say he left his phone at home after going to Homegrown, but the man viewed my story at 2am. 

Jade 

In the late lockdown of 2021, I stumbled upon an extremely rare promising match on Tinder. For two months, we found ourselves immersed in discussions, creating a strong foundation for me to actually be willing to meet someone from a dating app. 

During our early dates, he frequently alluded to introducing me to his parents, leaving me with a lingering sense of suspicion that this man was probably playing games. Nevertheless, I chose to embrace the present and pursue the vibes. Eventually, we watched a movie at his place, marking a moment of intimacy. 

We met a couple of times afterwards, but the dynamics shifted when he suddenly began to ghost me. The method of ghosting started with liking my messages and not replying, to straight up just leaving me on read. I don’t know which was worse, him flat out reading my message or liking the message saying I have interacted with your message in the most haphazard way and now won’t reply.

The sudden silence made me so confused, especially considering he was the one displaying keen interest. I couldn’t help but feel offended. It made me question if our intimacy was worth breaking my self-imposed celibacy. The act of ghosting introduced doubt and forced me to confront the reality that his initial investment in our relationship was a load of shit. 

A year later, I unexpectedly crossed paths with him outside a bar. Awkwardly, he embraced me in an affectionate “headlock hug” (who the hell hugs someone by head locking them?) questioning what had gone wrong between us. I couldn’t help but respond candidly, reminding he ghosted me. He promised to message me the next day, but predictably, he failed to follow through. 

Maxwell 

Was dating them for a few months long distance so it was pretty easy to ghost when long distance, they just stopped texting. I felt used and like I was treated as an object rather than a partner but later was more empathetic to it. I guess my unhinged thing afterwards was rebounding and getting addicted to vaping.

Julia 

My boyfriend of 6 months would regularly go to Wellington and never not get back to me. The last time, he was taking days to reply and always saying he’s too busy to chat and ignore my calls. Soon, I found out he had blocked me from his stories and muted me. So I said, I think I know what’s going on here, and we broke up over text and I never saw him again. It’s been 5 months and we both live in the city. 

Reuben 

We met in person, which in the gay scene NEVER HAPPENS. So I thought I had my romcom moment where you meet naturally and hit it off so well. It was the best time spent with a guy EVER. He was so kind and treated me like a human. We met one more time after that and then nothing. 

He began taking 2-5 business days to reply and then eventually just stopped. Left me confused and made me question my self esteem. I check his following every now and then to see if he’s following any new people to replace me with. 

Cantika 

He served me at his job in retail and we instantly hit it off. We were together for about six-ish months, he initiated pretty much everything, telling me he loved me, moving in with me. He told me I was the one, he couldn’t believe his luck and he knew he was gonna marry me one day, then out of the blue he dumped me and moved out the same day. 

We had a very rocky friendship after and both ended up going overseas separately. But when we broke up, he said we could rekindle things when he was back. I messaged him a couple times while we were overseas, just keeping him up to date on things that were happening in my life. 

When we were both back I messaged him to reconnect and talk about things - more than anything I wanted closure. He ghosted me. Every time I saw him in public he would pretend he didn’t know me. 

We broke up 4-5 years ago and to this day he still pretends he doesn’t know me. I’ve messaged him to try and put things to bed and he just ghosts me. I went insane after we broke up, I cried every morning and every night for three weeks straight. I was a little bit crazy, sure, but I feel like I was pretty warranted in how I felt. It has taken me so long to finally have some peace around the situation, I’ve given up on getting closure at this point because I know it’s not me.

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Yawynne Yem is a freelance writer and creator in Aotearoa.