Since the dawn of time, humans have created instruments in their attempts to express the human condition through the medium of sound, and most of them have sucked ass. There are hundreds and hundreds of instruments, each more useless than the last. Does the world need so many instruments? We submit that it does not. In an attempt to weed out the bad ones we’ve compiled this list of the 69 worst ones. (Also, we didn't list 69 to be funny, it's just the way it shook out. Speaking of shaking out, maracas suck, also.)
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69. Flying V GuitarThe Rob Schneider of guitars.68. Bassoon
This looks like a flute with its shoelaces untied.67. Steel DrumGoes to Margaritaville once…66. VuvuzelaImagine how lame you’d have to be to get banned from soccer.65. BagpipesMore like buttpipes.64. Fugazi’s InstrumentDoesn’t even have “Waiting Room” on it.63. XylophoneThe only thing a xylophone is good for is using the X in Scrabble.62. TromboneSka instrument. Disqualified.61. TrumpetSka instrument. Disqualified.60. Texas Instruments
Worse than a regular calculator because you can’t even write BOOBIES upside-down with all this graph nerd shit in the way.59. ViolinThe favorite instrument of the 1%. The violin has definitely called the cops on a cookout before.58. FiddleThe violin’s red state cousin who posts a bunch of MAGA shit on Facebook.57. The Long Guitar
It’s bigger and has fewer strings. What dumBASS invented that?56. The Beeping That Goes Off in the VICE Office Every Five Fucking MinutesWHERE IS IT COMING FROM? JASON, IF THIS IS COMING FROM YOUR COMPUTER WE WILL REPORT YOUR ASS TO HR.55. GlockenspielHow can something that starts with “glock” be so lame?54. Speak & SpellThe glockenspiel for kids.53. TriangleThe default instrument for band kids desperate for extracurriculars on their college applications.52. TambourineLike if someone glued a bunch of triangles together.51. BugleAn instrument named after a brand of corn chip that causes anal leakage.
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50. Shofar
Pros: Brought down the walls of Jericho
Cons: Not responsible for even one banger49. The DrumJesus shoulda beat the little drummer boy’s ass for bringing this as a gift.48. Double Guitar
Cons: Not responsible for even one banger49. The DrumJesus shoulda beat the little drummer boy’s ass for bringing this as a gift.48. Double Guitar
So you can annoy twice as many people at Guitar Center.47. LuteYou’re not gonna get laid at Ren Faire, dude.46. StethoscopeCold as fuck.45. Cello
I love this instrument and its curvy body. As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to instruments on the thicker side, ones who were shorter and curvier, instruments that the average (basic) bro might refer to as "chubby" or even "fat." Then, as I became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism and how the media marginalizes instruments by portraying a very narrow and very specific standard of beauty (thin, tall, lean) I realized how many music fans have bought into that lie.45. ClarinetIt sure does blow!44. FluteIt sure does blow!43. PiccoloIt sure does blow!42. Basset HornIt sure does blow!41. KazooIt sure does blow!40. SaxophoneMore like sexophone. Just kidding, it sure does blow!39. Sackbut
Is that really the name of this thing? Good lord.38. OboeThe oboe? More like the oh-no.37. UkulelePukelele.36. MarimbaEvery motherfucker who heard that Midori Takada album on YouTube thinks they can play malleted percussion now.35. Singing Saw
Cool instruments don’t come from Home Depot.
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34. Drum MachineActually drum machines are kinda cool because they put a lot of drum nerds out of work.33. 808 CowbellOnly good use is when this kid ate raw pasta as the sample played.32. AccordionLook at this shit.31. CDJsObjectively not an instrument.30. FifeNo one wants to hear you play the fife, dawg.29. HarpThe herpes of music. Harpes.28. VoiceYeah, you could use it to hit a wide range of notes or you could use it to shut daaa fuk up.27. BanjoWe’ve seen Deliverance.26. BjörkWe wish it was oh so quiet.25. Harmonica
Nothing cooler than looking like you’re wearing orthodontic headgear.24. SaxophonePretty sure we already listed this one but fuck this Lisa Simpson-ass instrument.23. TubaWho named this? Did you see it one day and say, “Looks like a tube… UH?” Pathetic.22. Bazooka
Doesn’t blow anything up.21. SpoonsThese are for eating.20. Tuning forkAlso for eating.19. Pitch Pipe
Can’t even smoke out of it.18. Sheet MusicJust a bunch of paper.17. Stradivarius
Some inbred family made a fancy fiddle and we’re supposed to give a shit?16. Wah Pedal15. The Large Piano from the Movie BIGWow, Robert Loggia stepped on you, join the club.14. MicrophoneThe go-to instrument for lame white rappers.13. The Sound of Everyone’s Amber Alert Going Off at OnceYEAH WE GET IT PATRICIA YOUR KID IS MISSING12. Muted Post Horn Tattoo
Yeah we studied comp lit in the 90s too.
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11. The BeamA good way to end up in a band with John Mayer.10. Kora
This looks like a scale-model bridge.9. Those Stupid Farting Mufflers on Fast & the Furious-looking CarsVin Diesel is rolling over in his grave.8. PianoHow about don’t play me a song, Piano Man.7. OrganLike if a piano was a virgin for religious reasons.6. HandsAyyy we got your sound of one hand clapping right here! [We were gonna put the jackoff motion here but then we had a long, productive discussion about using gendered language like that and decided against it, in our small attempt at resisting the heteronormative language that’s become pervasive online]5. Keytar
The only good part about playing the piano was sitting down and some idiot ruined it.4. Crash CymbalWow some genius had the brilliant idea to smash two instruments together, congrats.3. Hi-hatNeither high, nor a hat. Discuss.2. JugJugs were the Monster Energy cans of their time.1. GuitarOverrated.