What's Gone On This Week: Answers in the Comments If Anyone Knows

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a new column where NEO – AKA @WELCOME_ZIDANE – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

NOW THAT WE ALL KNOW THE GRIM REAPER IS NEOLIBERAL AND WE’RE UNABLE TO TAKE THE SHOVEL OFF THE CUNT AS HE DIGS US A COLD, DEEP, PREMATURE GRAVE, HERE IS SOME VERY DEPRESSING NEWS.

LEADING THINK-TANKS HAVE WARNED THAT NHS STAFF SHORTAGES COULD TRIPLE IN A DECADE. FOLLOWING CURRENT TRENDS, THIS MEANS A VOID OF MORE THAN 350,000 STAFF BY 2030.

EXPERTS SAY "AN INCOHERENT APPROACH TO WORKFORCE POLICY AT A NATIONAL LEVEL, POOR WORKFORCE PLANNING, RESTRICTIVE IMMIGRATION POLICIES AND INADEQUATE FUNDING FOR TRAINING PLACE" ARE TO BLAME.

DIDO HARDING, CHAIR OF "NHS IMPROVEMENT", MEANWHILE, RECKONS "THE SINGLE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN THE NHS AT THE MOMENT IS THAT WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH PEOPLE WANTING TO WORK IN IT.”

WHICH IS OF COURSE WHAT ALL BOSSES WHO MAKE WORKING ENVIRONMENTS TOXIC TO THE DETRIMENT OF THE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL WELLBEING OF THEIR EMPLOYEES TEND TO SAY.

THE UK ALREADY HAS A VERY LOW NUMBER OF DOCTORS AND NURSES PER HEAD BY INTERNATIONAL STANDARDS. WE HAVE ONE MEDIC FOR EVERY 356 PEOPLE; COMPARABLE COUNTRIES HAVE ONE MEDIC FOR EVERY 227 PEOPLE.

ALTHOUGH THERE ARE RECORD NUMBERS OF YOUNG DOCTORS TRAINING TO BECOME GPS, RESEARCH SHOWS JUST ONE IN 20 TRAINEE GPS INTENDS TO WORK FULL-TIME. CURRENT NHS STAFF FACE HIGH RATES OF BURNOUT AND BAD MENTAL HEALTH, WHILE A “WORRYINGLY” HIGH NUMBER OF DOCTORS AND NURSES ARE TAKING EARLY RETIREMENT.

THE REPORT’S AUTHORS HAVE URGED HEALTH OFFICIALS TO DRAW UP A CREDIBLE, LONG-TERM STRATEGY.

THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY? CREDIBLE? LONG-TERM? STRATEGY?

WE MIGHT BE WAITING A WHILE YET. JUST LIKE THE PATIENTS.

HYPERTENSION (OR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, AS IT’S MORE COMMONLY CALLED) IS A KEY RISK FACTOR FOR CARDIOVASCULAR DISEASE. IN MANY COUNTRIES, THE LIKELIHOOD OF DEVELOPING A DODGY TICKER (TECHNICAL TERM) INCREASES WITH AGE.

IN ENGLAND, FOR EXAMPLE, OVER A QUARTER OF ADULTS SUFFER FROM HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND THIS RISES TO OVER 58 PERCENT AMONG THOSE AGED 65 TO 74.

BUT! PLOT TWIST: A RECENT STUDY HAS REVEALED THAT HYPERTENSION ISN'T AN INHERENT PART OF AGEING AT ALL, BUT A RESULT OF EXPOSURE TO A “WESTERN LIFESTYLE” BUILT UPON THE HOLY TRINITY OF “HIGH LEVELS OF SALT IN THE DIET, LACK OF EXERCISE AND HEAVY DRINKING”.

“HOW’S THAT CAPITALISM'S FAULT?” YOU MIGHT ASK.

DR NOEL MUELLER, ASSISTANT PROFESSOR AT JOHN HOPKINS UNIVERSITY, EXPLAINS “THE IDEA THAT BLOOD PRESSURE RISES WITH AGE AS PART OF A NATURAL PHENOMENON IS INCREASINGLY BEING DISPELLED THROUGH EVIDENCE, INCLUDING OUR FINDINGS, WHICH SHOW THAT IN A POPULATION THAT IS LARGELY FREE OF EXPOSURE TO WESTERN INFLUENCES, THERE IS NO AGE-RELATED RISE IN BLOOD PRESSURE.”

YOU MIGHT THEN ASK, “HOW DID HE CONCLUDE THAT THEN?”

WELL, THE STUDY INVOLVED TWO COMMUNITIES IN THE VENEZUELAN RAINFOREST. FIRST, THE YANOMAMI, WHO HAVE VERY LITTLE CONTACT WITH THE WESTERN WORLD. THEY CONSUME LITTLE SALT AND LIVE A “HUNTER-GATHERER-GARDENER” LIFESTYLE, WHICH COINCIDENTALLY IS HOW I FEEL AFTER UNPACKING THE LIDL SHOP AND WATERING MY THREE PEACE LILIES.

THE SECOND IS THE NEARBY YEKUANA COMMUNITY, WHO EXPERIENCE SOME ASPECTS OF WESTERN LIFE "THROUGH TRADE FACILITATED THROUGH A NEARBY AIRSTRIP COMMODITIES SUCH AS PROCESSED FOOD AND SALT, AS WELL AS THE PRESENCE OF VISITORS – INCLUDING MISSIONARIES, MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS AND MINERS". OR THE "RIFF-RAFF", AS I’D CALL THEM.

THE RESEARCH TEAM TOOK THE BLOOD PRESSURE OF PEOPLE AGED BETWEEN ONE AND 60.

BLOOD PRESSURE WITHIN THE YANOMAMI COMMUNITY STAYED PRETTY MUCH STATIC WHILE THE BLOOD PRESSURE OF YEKUANA PARTICIPANTS INCREASED WITH AGE, ALBEIT AT MUCH LOWER LEVELS THAN HELLSCAPES LIKE THE UNITED STATES.

THE STUDY IS VERY SMALL AND DOES NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT GENETIC PREDISPOSITIONING, BUT I DON’T THINK YOU NEED TO BE A SCIENTIST TO RECOGNISE THAT, WHEN YOU HEAR THE FUCKING DEATH RATTLE OF YOUR ALARM IN THE MORNING, IT ISN’T GOOD FOR YOUR HEART.

OUT OF WORK-HOURS TEXTS FROM A BOSS GIVE YOU AN ADRENALINE RUSH THAT RENDERS SHIT LIKE BASE-JUMPING MEANINGLESS. AND WE ALL KNOW NO CUNT EVER SHOULD HAVE TO EAT ON A BUS WITH YOUR BODY IN MOTION, LIKE YOU'RE TRAINING FOR AN APOLLO LAUNCH. YET THESE ARE THE PRESSURES CAPITALISM PLACE ON US EVERY SINGLE DAY.

PROFESSOR BRYAN WILLIAMS, A SPECIALIST IN HYPERTENSION AT UNIVERSITY COLLEGE HOSPITAL, SAID THE STUDY “GIVES US A GLIMPSE AT WHAT A NORMAL BLOOD PRESSURE TRAJECTORY WOULD BE LIKE WITHOUT THE IMPACT OF WESTERNISATION – MANY MORE PEOPLE WOULD HAVE NORMAL BLOOD PRESSURE THROUGHOUT LIFE.” THE MARXIST CUNT.

I’M TRYING TO THINK WHAT TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION, BUT I GUESS I ALREADY KNOW.

BURY IT DEEP DOWN INSIDE OF ME AND LET IT PSYCHOSOMATICALLY PETRIFY MY ORGANS – THE WESTERN WAY.

RIGHT. WELL. HERE’S WHAT IT IS: THE GOVERNMENT UNVEILED ITS LONG-AWAITED 585-PAGE DRAFT WITHDRAWAL AGREEMENT ON WEDNESDAY.

MANY PROMINENT TORIES DISAGREE WITH IT.

THE LABOUR PARTY DISAGREES WITH IT.

BREXIT SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB DISAGREES WITH IT SO MUCH HE RESIGNED, ALONG WITH MULTIPLE OTHER PROMINENT CONSERVATIVE MINISTERS.

NORTHERN IRELAND’S DEMOCRATIC UNIONIST PARTY – WHICH GIVES THE GOVERNMENT THE SUPPORT IT NEEDS TO WIN KEY VOTES – DISAGREES WITH IT.

SCOTLAND AND WALES RECEIVED *CHECKS NOTES * ZERO MENTIONS IN THE ENTIRE 585-PAGE AGREEMENT. FRUSTRATION OVER WHICH IS FURTHER COMPOUNDED BY THE FACT MINISTERS FROM BOTH COUNTRIES WERE REFUSED ACCESS TO THE DRAFT, WHICH EVEN GIBRALTAR'S MINISTERS WERE ALLOWED TO SEE. MUCH DISAGREEMENT THERE.

IF YOU SAY “MY RIGHT HONOURABLE FRIEND” INTO A MIRROR THREE TIMES, WHITE ENGLISH CONSERVATIVE MAN JACOB REES-MOGG WILL APPEAR AND SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE AGREEMENT TURNING THE UK INTO A “SLAVE STATE”.

THERESA MAY NOW FACES A VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE BUT KEEPS REPEATING “I AM GOING TO SEE THIS THROUGH” AND “THIS DEAL DELIVERS WHAT PEOPLE VOTED FOR” LIKE A CURSED BROKEN TOY.

MICHAEL GOVE, MAY'S ONE LOYAL LITTLE GOBLIN, IS NOT RESIGNING, BUT HE'S ALSO NOT FILLING THE POSITION OF BREXIT SECRETARY EITHER. WHEN QUESTIONED BY REPORTERS ON WHETHER HE ACTUALLY SUPPORTED THE DEAL HE LITERALLY RAN AWAY WITHOUT ANSWERING.

IT IS FOUR MONTHS BEFORE THE UK IS DUE TO LEAVE THE EU AND WE CURRENTLY DO NOT HAVE A BREXIT SECRETARY.

SO, AS IT STANDS AS OF 14:18PM, FRIDAY 16 NOV, OUR OPTIONS ARE: BACK THE CURRENT AGREEMENT, WHICH HAS BEEN WIDELY PANNED, IN THE INTEREST OF HONOURING A REFERENDUM CAUSED BY A DELIBERATE POWER GRAB AND COUCHED IN WIDESPREAD MISINFORMATION. RE-NEGOTIATE A NEW DEAL IN THREE WEEKS. LEAVE WITHOUT ANY DEAL AT ALL. CALL A GENERAL ELECTION AND/OR HAVE A SECOND REFERENDUM.

WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A SERIES OF LIFELINES ON A BOARDING SCHOOL ADAPTION OF "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE – CABINET MINISTER EDITION".

ALL THIS WHEN WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT JUST BE COMING TO AN END. IF ONLY WE COULD RESIGN FROM THIS SHIT TOO.

@WELCOME_ZIDANE